Friday, May 14, 2010


THIS IS A FAMILY BLOG RIGHT?!?!?! Just realized I've been using it more for a personal blog....bad mama!! ok....all yo people(three) if I'm lucky....that read my we go on the family stuff! Got Max registered for Kindergarden yesterday!!! oh honestly I was a ball of nerves over it. But all the paperwork is filled out and we're putting him in a dual-language class!! So he'll be learning Spanish up until fifth grade and probably longer. yay!! His teacher is awesome..Bill and I meet with him the other day and he rocks. I swear max is 5 going on 13 sometimes...attitude baby!! Not a good one either. BOO. But he's learning and growing as are Bill and I and we trust he'll grow into a fine young man! Dane is a stinker as usual. Oh he makes me laugh....we went to my parents house the other day and they were going to surprise my mom by coming throught the door out of the garage...when Dane saw his Nana he told her "happy Mothers day...we are sneaking around!" He's a real hoot and a half.... The weather is getting so so we've been out and about a lot. I'm so glad we live so close to such an awesome park...we love it. Bill is doing dandy in school! He's rockin it and I couldn't be prouder :) me? I'm me and doing really prozac is helping me...but I don't take it everyday so I'm getting better on my own I belive. Much happier than before :) and not one bit shy or ashamed to say I take PROZAC!! yay One should never be ashamed at that! Truely....I believe that 100%. Other than that...our cat is still fat and and I've enjoyed the chat. Wow....kind of fun to write silly again :P xoxo

Monday, May 3, 2010

looking out...not back

I'm trying really hard not to let some of the old me back! I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, which is good...yet it's been pulling up some old thoughts and feelings from when I got so down in the depths of depression a year and a half ago. I was thinking about how down I got...and at the time I didn't realize how bad off I was. It's not until now...when i feel truly happy and content that I can realize the level at which I had gone to. Not as bad as some people...but for me, bad enough. I came to understand that a person can only "hide" their depression for so long, and I had tried to hide it for a long time! It eventually comes out in the things that are said or done. Looking back I'm now aware at how long I wrestled with thoughts of not being good enough. I was always comparing myself to others and felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. It was such a lonely time. I tried being happy for others but many times I had a hard time doing this. I'm so happy in saying that now I am sincerely happy for others when they are being blessed! I love my life and I'd be lying if I said I never had thoughts of "what am I going to do with my life?" I'm sure at one point or another many people have asked that question of themselves. But now I can ask that about my life and feel good about it. I truly feel my best when I am helping others. I told my mom a while back that we all have gifts. I think one of mine is praying for people. When I say I'm going to pray for someone....I do. It's not just talk or a kind gesture but a belief that I'm going to follow through on this persons prayer request. If I die tomorrow and have only one thing known about me...that is what I'd want known. Of course everyone already knows how much I love my boys...that is a big fat given!! I really don't know why I'm writing all of this on my blog. The only thing I can think if one person should come across my writing who has also dealt with depression...I want you to know that you're not alone! and it's just fine to go get help!!! Don't do what I did and wait and wait and wait until you're at your wits end and you try getting rid of very special people in your life because you don't know how to cope. It's just not worth it and it's just not worth being miserable. We all have a lot of living to do! Take your life and fill it up with the goodness that God gives you. I know we all have a reason for being here...just different ones and that is okay! xx

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Grieving thoughts...

The quiet times are a double edge sword. I love them...yet I don't. They're peaceful..yet they're not. I never thought I could love someone so much. I feel that in the month Lalia was here, I got to know her quit a bit. I am grieving. If it hurts this bad for me, I can't imagine how it feels for Vicki and Walid. My heart goes out to them and I'm grieving for them as well. Yesterday was International babylost Mama day...I thought of all the Mama's who suffer loss of a child or children. I imagined all the balloons being released into the Heavens. It made me think of the relatives such as the Grandparents...Aunts and Uncles...Cousins etc. We grieve too..just in a different way. A lot of times we don't know what to say or do to show our grief. One thing I have learned say something. Doesn't have to be big...but just say "I'm sorry" what can I do to help you through this"? It's better to say something than not. This has been a lesson I've learned through Lalia. I think people are afraid to make a grieving person feel worse if they mention anything. I think it feels worse to not mention anything. Not to mention someones loss..feels worse. I have felt this way because there are people I know who since Lalia's passing have not said anything to me. And I won't hurts. But I'm trying to understand that not everyone will say something and not everyone knows what to say. Some of it though I believe is that people get caught up in there own lives to look around at others and see what's going on. I do this too. I'm trying all the harder not too. Life is not all about me and what I'm going through. Other people are hurting just as bad...or worse. Just some thoughts in my head at this early hour.