Monday, May 3, 2010

looking out...not back

I'm trying really hard not to let some of the old me back! I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, which is good...yet it's been pulling up some old thoughts and feelings from when I got so down in the depths of depression a year and a half ago. I was thinking about how down I got...and at the time I didn't realize how bad off I was. It's not until now...when i feel truly happy and content that I can realize the level at which I had gone to. Not as bad as some people...but for me, bad enough. I came to understand that a person can only "hide" their depression for so long, and I had tried to hide it for a long time! It eventually comes out in the things that are said or done. Looking back I'm now aware at how long I wrestled with thoughts of not being good enough. I was always comparing myself to others and felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. It was such a lonely time. I tried being happy for others but many times I had a hard time doing this. I'm so happy in saying that now I am sincerely happy for others when they are being blessed! I love my life and I'd be lying if I said I never had thoughts of "what am I going to do with my life?" I'm sure at one point or another many people have asked that question of themselves. But now I can ask that about my life and feel good about it. I truly feel my best when I am helping others. I told my mom a while back that we all have gifts. I think one of mine is praying for people. When I say I'm going to pray for someone....I do. It's not just talk or a kind gesture but a belief that I'm going to follow through on this persons prayer request. If I die tomorrow and have only one thing known about me...that is what I'd want known. Of course everyone already knows how much I love my boys...that is a big fat given!! I really don't know why I'm writing all of this on my blog. The only thing I can think if one person should come across my writing who has also dealt with depression...I want you to know that you're not alone! and it's just fine to go get help!!! Don't do what I did and wait and wait and wait until you're at your wits end and you try getting rid of very special people in your life because you don't know how to cope. It's just not worth it and it's just not worth being miserable. We all have a lot of living to do! Take your life and fill it up with the goodness that God gives you. I know we all have a reason for being here...just different ones and that is okay! xx

1 comment:

  1. I've been through Depression too in my 20's where things got quite you said, its not unti you are happy that you look back and realise how bad things really were.



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