something new......

We bought an RV today!!!!! I'm so so so excited :) Now we can go to the beach, park our home on wheels and enjoy the day and night! We'll get sandy and wet and tired and go "home" to our lovely RV!!! Sleep the night away and wake to a crisp morning on the coast. Oh I can't wait to go on a trip. We took it for a test drive today and the boys were so cute sitting in the back. They're excited too...this really will be so much fun! The days of Summer are coming to an end, but the fun doesn't have to..............

It's been a long while since I've written. Several reasons really....I'm busy, tired...facebooking and haven't had much to say. The Summer is flying by and max will be starting Kindergarten in Sept! My boys are growing up and I'm thankful for these milestones! Laila's been in my thoughts a lot the last few days. I find myself thinking about her on a daily basis, but sometimes the hospital stay and the days of her holding on so tight come back to my mind. I just wish i could hold her like I hold her sister. I wish Aliya could know her sister and make memories with her, I wish Vicki never had to endure such pain as a mother. I wish no mother had to endure this kind of heartache. There are so many that do. If only life could be all rosey...all the time. I guess though if it were, we would not appreciate the things we do have in the way that we appreciate them. Trials make us stronger and show us the love of God in a way that is amazing. I was shown so many things through Laila's life and death and I'm thankful. As the boys and I were hiking the other day, a beautiful gold and black butterfly went floating past us.... Laila was the only word that came out of my mouth. She'll always be a part of my life...not just a very heartbreaking part but a very very beautiful part as well.

WOOT WOOT

THIS IS A FAMILY BLOG RIGHT?!?!?! Just realized I've been using it more for a personal blog....bad mama!! ok....all yo people(three) if I'm lucky....that read my blog..here we go on the family stuff! Got Max registered for Kindergarden yesterday!!! oh honestly I was a ball of nerves over it. But all the paperwork is filled out and we're putting him in a dual-language class!! So he'll be learning Spanish up until fifth grade and probably longer. yay!! His teacher is awesome..Bill and I meet with him the other day and he rocks. I swear max is 5 going on 13 sometimes...attitude baby!! Not a good one either. BOO. But he's learning and growing as are Bill and I and we trust he'll grow into a fine young man! Dane is a stinker as usual. Oh he makes me laugh....we went to my parents house the other day and they were going to surprise my mom by coming throught the door out of the garage...when Dane saw his Nana he told her "happy Mothers day...we are sneaking around!" He's a real hoot and a half.... The weather is getting so so nice...so we've been out and about a lot. I'm so glad we live so close to such an awesome park...we love it. Bill is doing dandy in school! He's rockin it and I couldn't be prouder :) me? I'm me and doing really well....my prozac is helping me...but I don't take it everyday so I'm getting better on my own I belive. Much happier than before :) and not one bit shy or ashamed to say I take PROZAC!! yay One should never be ashamed at that! Truely....I believe that 100%. Other than that...our cat is still fat and and I've enjoyed the chat. Wow....kind of fun to write silly again :P xoxo

looking out...not back

I'm trying really hard not to let some of the old me back! I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, which is good...yet it's been pulling up some old thoughts and feelings from when I got so down in the depths of depression a year and a half ago. I was thinking about how down I got...and at the time I didn't realize how bad off I was. It's not until now...when i feel truly happy and content that I can realize the level at which I had gone to. Not as bad as some people...but for me, bad enough. I came to understand that a person can only "hide" their depression for so long, and I had tried to hide it for a long time! It eventually comes out in the things that are said or done. Looking back I'm now aware at how long I wrestled with thoughts of not being good enough. I was always comparing myself to others and felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. It was such a lonely time. I tried being happy for others but many times I had a hard time doing this. I'm so happy in saying that now I am sincerely happy for others when they are being blessed! I love my life and I'd be lying if I said I never had thoughts of "what am I going to do with my life?" I'm sure at one point or another many people have asked that question of themselves. But now I can ask that about my life and feel good about it. I truly feel my best when I am helping others. I told my mom a while back that we all have gifts. I think one of mine is praying for people. When I say I'm going to pray for someone....I do. It's not just talk or a kind gesture but a belief that I'm going to follow through on this persons prayer request. If I die tomorrow and have only one thing known about me...that is what I'd want known. Of course everyone already knows how much I love my boys...that is a big fat given!! I really don't know why I'm writing all of this on my blog. The only thing I can think of...is if one person should come across my writing who has also dealt with depression...I want you to know that you're not alone! and it's just fine to go get help!!! Don't do what I did and wait and wait and wait until you're at your wits end and you try getting rid of very special people in your life because you don't know how to cope. It's just not worth it and it's just not worth being miserable. We all have a lot of living to do! Take your life and fill it up with the goodness that God gives you. I know we all have a reason for being here...just different ones and that is okay! xx

Grieving thoughts...

The quiet times are a double edge sword. I love them...yet I don't. They're peaceful..yet they're not. I never thought I could love someone so much. I feel that in the month Lalia was here, I got to know her quit a bit. I am grieving. If it hurts this bad for me, I can't imagine how it feels for Vicki and Walid. My heart goes out to them and I'm grieving for them as well. Yesterday was International babylost Mama day...I thought of all the Mama's who suffer loss of a child or children. I imagined all the balloons being released into the Heavens. It made me think of the relatives such as the Grandparents...Aunts and Uncles...Cousins etc. We grieve too..just in a different way. A lot of times we don't know what to say or do to show our grief. One thing I have learned though...is say something...do something. Doesn't have to be big...but just say "I'm sorry" what can I do to help you through this"? It's better to say something than not. This has been a lesson I've learned through Lalia. I think people are afraid to make a grieving person feel worse if they mention anything. I think it feels worse to not mention anything. Not to mention someones loss..feels worse. I have felt this way because there are people I know who since Lalia's passing have not said anything to me. And I won't lie...it hurts. But I'm trying to understand that not everyone will say something and not everyone knows what to say. Some of it though I believe is that people get caught up in there own lives to look around at others and see what's going on. I do this too. I'm trying all the harder not too. Life is not all about me and what I'm going through. Other people are hurting just as bad...or worse. Just some thoughts in my head at this early hour.

I had the great honor of being an Aunt to Lalia.....I still am her Aunt and always will be. This girl was simply amazing! An angel sent to Heaven while only a short stay, she enriched and taught us so much. My heart is broken...yet at peace. We know she is now healthy and whole...I smile when I think of her in her perfect home. My heart hurts for Vicki and Walid. Vicki's my sister and to see her hurting so bad is so hard. I pray her spirit is not forever crushed...but someday she will look upon this time as a remarkable time spent with her angel daughter.

Lalia...I love you and I'll see you again...xoxo

This thing called Hope....

I don't know what I'm going to write or if I'm going to publish what I write. I just feel the need to write....to pour my heart out. First of all....God made two very amazing twin sisters! They amaze us each and every day...I pray not only for them but for the other babies in the NICU and NICU ICU. Babies that I hope are as loved as these girls. All babies should be loved and cared for. If I could...I'd gladly give parts of my body away to help the girls and the other sick babies to live. My kidneys...liver....lungs and even my heart. I'd do it for my boys in a heartbeat...I'd do anything to help them live. We're all in a place where we're all so helpless...and that is where Faith and Hope come in! We are weak....but he is strong. Praying tonight that this small seed we call Hope, blooms into a beautiful garden for these girls. A place of wonder and delight....where they are healthy and whole and at home with their Mama chasing the dogs and picking blackberries. This is our hope and dream...we know not what God's plan is...but we know that it'll be for the best. And so continue, the prayers and thanksgiving for bringing these two beauties into our lives. Thank you God!

Comfort...

Yesterday in the hospital chapel I prayed and prayed for Lalia. I know with out a doubt that God is hearing my prayers. I'm glad I went down to the chapel...God met me there and I could feel his comforting presence. I know that no matter what happens, God will never leave us or forsake us. When I read that verse at my highschool graduation ceremony in front of all those people...little did I know that years down the road that verse would become so pivital in my life. This is his promise to us and one that I believe without a doubt. Tragedy will befall us...but God never leaves us during these times. He stands with us...holding us and comforting us. I'm so thankful for this.

Yesterday was a very hard day...and we don't know what is on the horizon. Praying for you sweet Lalia. Praying for you sweet Aliya. You girls have stolen our hearts! We love you. xoxoxo

More thoughts...

Every day is filled with Gods Grace. But do we see and feel it in the good times as well as the bad? Something I've been thinking much on lately. Do we praise God not only in the easy times but in the hard times as well? How far does our faith and loyalty reach? It's seems like when times are breezy....we say oh Thank God......but when the hand has changed...we say Thank God? Thank God for what? For the pain.?..the suffering.?...yes....thank him for such things because out of such hardships come such blessings. WE go through the fire so God can refine us. Is it not amazing and wonderful that we are being refined my God himself? A powerful thought for me!

I love God with my whole being....but I have not always been so strong in my faith. There was a time when I didn't care to say too much about it to others. I still won't force it on people or push it down their throats....but what I most want people to remember about me when I die are a few things. My love for God.....my family and my love in helping others. These treasures I hope people will remember me for. What do you want to be remembered for? What are the closest things to you heart? I think of Lalia and Aliya and what they face everyday.... I saw God in them when I last saw them. God is everywhere....he's among us all....no matter how big or small we are. Growing up and even now...there are so many times when I want to give God a great big hug. I've come to realize when we reach out to others...we are indeed hugging the God of the universe. That for me, is huge.

Thoughts

I'm thankful for everyone who's thinking and praying for the girls. It's truly a blessing. One thing I have to remember though is that my families emergency's are not other peoples. Sometimes I feel like those around me should have the same care and concern that I have over the girls. I have to realize that they care, but in a different way. This situation is personal to me because these are my nieces and I love them so much. I hurt for all children who get sick and hurt but of course it hits harder when it's family. When John and Jillian brought Savannah home, my feelings I'm sure were different than other people outside the family. I still get teary when I think of the first time we saw her picture on the computer. I have certain feelings for Chloe and Charlotte too that others of course won't have. I love my family...can you tell? :) Sometimes I get upset when it seems like others don't think or feel the way I do. Silly....I know and wrong...because everyone has their own issues that they are dealing with and they need their energy to go there. I use to take on other people's hurts so strongly that it was not healthy for me. That's one of the reasons why I stopped blogging in the first place. I was getting too involved in the hurts of others. I was taking them on as if they were my own. I've since learned that I cannot not do that. It was and is just too much. So in saying that, I should not expect others to do that with my families challenges. It's just too much.

Crazy Holidays...

So working in retail really puts a whole new spin on things. Take for example...holidays. I still enjoy these grand events, however working the day before Easter and the day of Easter makes me cringe with a great big ughhh. Let me explain....the store was absolutely crowded with the typical last minute shoppers. No mean shoppers(thank goodness) just in a hurry...stressed and tired people coming through my line. Oh and speaking of lines?!?!? We had at every register open and still had long lines!!

If I don't see another chocolate bunny...Easter basket and Easter candy for the rest of my life, at this point...I'd be ok :) Speaking of candy....people will come in and my gobs of it before...during and after(it goes on sale) Easter. Don't get me wrong...I too love these holidays and the fun that goes along with them. But in my opinion and now more than ever since working retail... society has become way too materialistic and along with that comes the commercialism of the Holidays.

Growing up for Easter....we dyed eggs...found the eggs a day or two later...and had a chocolate bunny. Of course we went to church to celebrate the what and who Easter really stands for..but as far as the stuff...that was it. And you know what? We had great Easters and were not lacking for anything! Where have these days gone? Days of simple celebrating. Days of what the holiday REALLY means...days of businesses being closed so families can be together. I miss those days...

Good causes....

Families who have lost children have been on my mind and in my heart lately. Several years ago my former boss volunteered me to do a fundraiser for March of Dimes....which is an organization that helps get Preemies the best care possible through research. So on the day that I did this....I got picked up in a military vehicle and taken to "Jail" It was a fake jail where we sat and called people for donations. These people had to get us out of Jail with their donations. :) It's all in good fun and for a very good cause. Anyway, I enjoyed my time there and all the people I called were really nice whether they donated or not. Up until this point, I didn't know much about March of Dimes and little did I know that years down the road I would have two preemie Nieces! March of Dimes has a fundraiser walk I'd like to do. I've been wanting to do it for some time but now with it being so personal to me I'm really going to go for it. I really really want to do a Breast Cancer walk too. I think of my cousin Shelly who lost her life to this cancer and I'd like to do it in her honor. Life is about helping others and I truly feel my best when I'm doing just that. If anyone is interested in walking with me for one or both of these causes...just let me know!! I don't have a date yet but am checking into it. :)

Ohwell.....

Just been realizing how often people sweat the small stuff. when you consider the big stuff....the small stuff is just that...small. Have to wait in line an extra two min??? ohwell....Your husband sniffs twenty times before blowing his nose?!?!? grrr ohwell....sigh* That's a hard one for me!! You step in dog poopie?? yucky!! but oh well. See...there are a lot of ohwell's in life!! I'm trying to use mine more. :)

Gifts....

I'm feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed by the events of the last few days. It's such a blessing to have the girls here now...yet the road ahead will be long. I can't wait to see them and hold them and I know it'll be a long time from now. I can't even imagine how Vicki and Walid are feeling. It's like they've had the wind knocked out of them. They went down to see the girls today and said it was very hard seeing them hooked up to so many wires. Than the sweeties started to cry and so of course that just ripped their hearts out. Through all of this I've come to three conclusions....God is AWESOME....Miracles do happen...and my family is wonderful. The love and support we give each other is really nice. We're in no way perfect...but we love each other and always will. I can't imagine my life without my sister...and now I can't imagine life without her daughters. I love them so much already. :)

Much has happened since I left my last blog. The boys are now five and three and as cute as ever! Bill is in is third year of school, going for his bachelors. And me...hmmm I've seemed to have found myself a bit more and am a lot more content than when I was last writing. With that being said...I've decided to once again manage a family blog! I have my worries...but shoot...let's not sweat the small stuff shall we? I've grown a lot...ok I'm still 5'5 or 5'4 (depending on who measures me) but my soul has come a long way. I take it a day at a time and more than anything moment by moment...because at the Conner clan household you never know what waits around the corner :) So welcome to my piece of reality. I'll do my best to share it with you all and I'll try not to quit when the going gets rough.