update...

We must consistently check with ourselves: “am I committed to feeling good, or am I committed to growing?” Growth does not always feel good, and feeling good does not always provide growth. - Guru Singh


"Growing" is something my family has done A LOT of. Within the time Bill and I have been married, going on nine years we have seen and lived within many growing experiences. Some have been great and others have been more on the not so great side. All in all we are more than blessed and thankful for each and every step we've had to take along the way. There will always be ups and down in life, that's why we wear a seatbelt and hold on for the ride!

Max and Dane are now six and four. Max is in kindergarten and loves it. He's in the dual lang. class so he's learning Spanish and he's pretty darn good at it. I love hearing him talk and sing in a different lang. He's a good student and a great learner. On the home front, he loves to ride his scooter and his bike and of course the Wii plays a part in his life too.

Dane is and has always been the ham in the family. He cracks us all up with his different silly faces and the things he says. He's a big time gamer who's favorite game is the Mario Brothers. He loves animals and HAS to pet every dog that comes within a ten foot radiace of him!

Bill is almost done with his Bachlors degree! He'll be graduating this June and than it's on to Graduate school. Two weeks ago, he started an internship at a Methadone clinic in Portland. He likes it and the other Councelors like him and it looks like it may trun into a job. Not sure yet, but it's headed that way. I'm very proud of Bill! He's worked very hard and deserves only the best. He's going to be great at what he does! He has a huge heart for it.

Me...I'm working temp jobs right now. I'm at a winery or you could call me a cellar rat! I like it...it's something new for me and I'm thankful to be out of retail! That place sucked me dry and so having a two month break with my dudes and now getting back into work temporarily has been refreashing. Will, I'll close for now. Not all my post's will be this long, I wanted though to do a quick update on my fam and where we're at.

UNTIL NEXT TIME AMERICA....XX

Change

Times are a changin in my life. Oh how change gives me mixed emotions. I love the excitment and the what's gonna happen thing, yet at the same time, those are the very two things that cause me stress! Make sense?!?!? Looking for a new job is never fun or easy. It's something I don't look forward to doing, yet I wonder what it is I'll end up doing. Part of me thinks...maybe now is the time to return to school...but yet I think "am I crazy"?!?!? Bill's in school full time and right now or should I say for the last four years, I've been supprting him on his journey. Should I join him in that journey or would that be just too much? I know that whatever I end of doing, I want it to count. I want to make a difference in a good and important way. I know that I can make a difference anywhere and I know I made one at my old job, but I guess what I'm saying is I would love to feel that what I'm doing matters. I would love to do volunteer jobs! Unfortunatly, I have bills that must get paid and so full time volunteer work just can not be. I could do some on the side however! I always feel my best when I'm helping others. In my reality, that's what it's all about. :) I have written here for sometime and see what happens? Things change! lol I know it's part of life and one in which I'll do my best at handling. x

something new......

We bought an RV today!!!!! I'm so so so excited :) Now we can go to the beach, park our home on wheels and enjoy the day and night! We'll get sandy and wet and tired and go "home" to our lovely RV!!! Sleep the night away and wake to a crisp morning on the coast. Oh I can't wait to go on a trip. We took it for a test drive today and the boys were so cute sitting in the back. They're excited too...this really will be so much fun! The days of Summer are coming to an end, but the fun doesn't have to..............

It's been a long while since I've written. Several reasons really....I'm busy, tired...facebooking and haven't had much to say. The Summer is flying by and max will be starting Kindergarten in Sept! My boys are growing up and I'm thankful for these milestones! Laila's been in my thoughts a lot the last few days. I find myself thinking about her on a daily basis, but sometimes the hospital stay and the days of her holding on so tight come back to my mind. I just wish i could hold her like I hold her sister. I wish Aliya could know her sister and make memories with her, I wish Vicki never had to endure such pain as a mother. I wish no mother had to endure this kind of heartache. There are so many that do. If only life could be all rosey...all the time. I guess though if it were, we would not appreciate the things we do have in the way that we appreciate them. Trials make us stronger and show us the love of God in a way that is amazing. I was shown so many things through Laila's life and death and I'm thankful. As the boys and I were hiking the other day, a beautiful gold and black butterfly went floating past us.... Laila was the only word that came out of my mouth. She'll always be a part of my life...not just a very heartbreaking part but a very very beautiful part as well.

WOOT WOOT

THIS IS A FAMILY BLOG RIGHT?!?!?! Just realized I've been using it more for a personal blog....bad mama!! ok....all yo people(three) if I'm lucky....that read my blog..here we go on the family stuff! Got Max registered for Kindergarden yesterday!!! oh honestly I was a ball of nerves over it. But all the paperwork is filled out and we're putting him in a dual-language class!! So he'll be learning Spanish up until fifth grade and probably longer. yay!! His teacher is awesome..Bill and I meet with him the other day and he rocks. I swear max is 5 going on 13 sometimes...attitude baby!! Not a good one either. BOO. But he's learning and growing as are Bill and I and we trust he'll grow into a fine young man! Dane is a stinker as usual. Oh he makes me laugh....we went to my parents house the other day and they were going to surprise my mom by coming throught the door out of the garage...when Dane saw his Nana he told her "happy Mothers day...we are sneaking around!" He's a real hoot and a half.... The weather is getting so so nice...so we've been out and about a lot. I'm so glad we live so close to such an awesome park...we love it. Bill is doing dandy in school! He's rockin it and I couldn't be prouder :) me? I'm me and doing really well....my prozac is helping me...but I don't take it everyday so I'm getting better on my own I belive. Much happier than before :) and not one bit shy or ashamed to say I take PROZAC!! yay One should never be ashamed at that! Truely....I believe that 100%. Other than that...our cat is still fat and and I've enjoyed the chat. Wow....kind of fun to write silly again :P xoxo

looking out...not back

I'm trying really hard not to let some of the old me back! I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, which is good...yet it's been pulling up some old thoughts and feelings from when I got so down in the depths of depression a year and a half ago. I was thinking about how down I got...and at the time I didn't realize how bad off I was. It's not until now...when i feel truly happy and content that I can realize the level at which I had gone to. Not as bad as some people...but for me, bad enough. I came to understand that a person can only "hide" their depression for so long, and I had tried to hide it for a long time! It eventually comes out in the things that are said or done. Looking back I'm now aware at how long I wrestled with thoughts of not being good enough. I was always comparing myself to others and felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. It was such a lonely time. I tried being happy for others but many times I had a hard time doing this. I'm so happy in saying that now I am sincerely happy for others when they are being blessed! I love my life and I'd be lying if I said I never had thoughts of "what am I going to do with my life?" I'm sure at one point or another many people have asked that question of themselves. But now I can ask that about my life and feel good about it. I truly feel my best when I am helping others. I told my mom a while back that we all have gifts. I think one of mine is praying for people. When I say I'm going to pray for someone....I do. It's not just talk or a kind gesture but a belief that I'm going to follow through on this persons prayer request. If I die tomorrow and have only one thing known about me...that is what I'd want known. Of course everyone already knows how much I love my boys...that is a big fat given!! I really don't know why I'm writing all of this on my blog. The only thing I can think of...is if one person should come across my writing who has also dealt with depression...I want you to know that you're not alone! and it's just fine to go get help!!! Don't do what I did and wait and wait and wait until you're at your wits end and you try getting rid of very special people in your life because you don't know how to cope. It's just not worth it and it's just not worth being miserable. We all have a lot of living to do! Take your life and fill it up with the goodness that God gives you. I know we all have a reason for being here...just different ones and that is okay! xx

Grieving thoughts...

The quiet times are a double edge sword. I love them...yet I don't. They're peaceful..yet they're not. I never thought I could love someone so much. I feel that in the month Lalia was here, I got to know her quit a bit. I am grieving. If it hurts this bad for me, I can't imagine how it feels for Vicki and Walid. My heart goes out to them and I'm grieving for them as well. Yesterday was International babylost Mama day...I thought of all the Mama's who suffer loss of a child or children. I imagined all the balloons being released into the Heavens. It made me think of the relatives such as the Grandparents...Aunts and Uncles...Cousins etc. We grieve too..just in a different way. A lot of times we don't know what to say or do to show our grief. One thing I have learned though...is say something...do something. Doesn't have to be big...but just say "I'm sorry" what can I do to help you through this"? It's better to say something than not. This has been a lesson I've learned through Lalia. I think people are afraid to make a grieving person feel worse if they mention anything. I think it feels worse to not mention anything. Not to mention someones loss..feels worse. I have felt this way because there are people I know who since Lalia's passing have not said anything to me. And I won't lie...it hurts. But I'm trying to understand that not everyone will say something and not everyone knows what to say. Some of it though I believe is that people get caught up in there own lives to look around at others and see what's going on. I do this too. I'm trying all the harder not too. Life is not all about me and what I'm going through. Other people are hurting just as bad...or worse. Just some thoughts in my head at this early hour.